MORE TEA, PLEASE
By Allison Lee

I toyed distractedly with the salt and pepper shakers as I told Amy, "I almost wish he would find something unpleasant about me and stop pursuing." Once a week, Amy and I met at City Bagel Cafe, in Starkville, Mississippi, to talk. Not Bagel City Cafe, as I had heard an engineering student call it - which put me in mind of flashing neon lights and a run-down boardwalk - but City Bagel. A bit older and probably a lot wiser, Amy helped me keep a balanced perspective on life.

Today we were talking about the aftermath - I mean, budding relationship - of my first and recent blind date. I had already told Amy's husband Paul, my co-worker, that I feared losing my identity, my autonomy, and my freedom if I got into a commitment with this guy.

To which Paul replied, "You'll keep one out of three."

Actually, I had thoroughly enjoyed the date and felt cautiously interested in Bill. He asked if he could call me, and so began an almost nightly long-distance phone conversation, since we lived several states apart.

Then Bill slyly slipped something into our conversation one night that assaulted my senses almost as much as the garlic at City Bagel on garlic bagel-making day.

"Yeah, I told my friend last weekend that I was going to see my girlfriend in Starkville, and by the way, is it OK if I call you that?" Bill said offhandedly.

Not OK, not by a long shot. The weekend he mentioned was actually the very same weekend of our first (and only) date. How could he claim me as a girlfriend even before we'd had our first date? Even before we'd ever met each other? And the way he so nonchalantly asked, "Is it OK if I call you that?" I saw it as the coward's way out; if he really wanted us to be an "item," he needed to ask me to be his girlfriend, or at least discuss it before assigning that role to me.

Yet I saw great qualities in Bill - compassion, tenderness, a strong work ethic, and he liked to exercise as much as I did. I wanted to give him some grace and not write off this potential relationship just yet. I liked talking with him on the phone and liked how he made me feel special.

Bill and I talked about his verbal faux pas a bit, but mostly at my insistence and not due to his initiative, even when I said in response to the "girlfriend" question, "Well, I don't think that would be OK, and I think we need to talk about that."

So now Amy and I were discussing what I should do. I watched the college students come in and out of the cafe in their pajamas, grabbing coffee and bagel sandwiches. I passed on coffee in favor of City Bagel's fantastic sweet iced tea, especially since they offered free refills and as many lemon wedges for your beverage as you wanted. And I listened to Amy's advice.

"You really shouldn't sugar coat anything with men; they need to hear the truth in no uncertain terms. So, if you don't want to continue this with Bill, you need to make sure he's not left with any false encouragement," Amy stated.

I nibbled my energy bar - chock full of toasted coconut, chocolate chips, brown sugar, butter, and other delectable ingredients - as I contemplated what Amy told me. Some people believed City Bagel's best offering was their tomato basil soup, but I preferred their energy bar over everything else.

Amy's words rang true with me, so I decided to write Bill a long email describing how his calling me his "girlfriend" after one date, a few phone conversations, and no mention that he wanted that kind of commitment had made me feel. But I also made clear - at least, I thought so - that I wanted us to keep talking and see where things would lead.

Then we - Paul, Amy, another co-worker, and I - went away on a weekend retreat with our organization. I didn't have contact with Bill for three days. When I returned, I saw an email from him with a short "good-bye" message.

I felt sucker punched. Here I was, willing to give this a go, and then he's pulling away from me. I wrote him back not in an attempt to change his mind but as a request for him to learn to communicate how he feels and what he wants instead of hitting people with things out of the blue. I made it clear (following Amy's "no sugar coating" advice) that I didn't expect future communication; I just wanted him to find perhaps a little life lesson to take away from this experience.

A few days later, I got another email from Bill that contained the words, "Maybe this isn't good-bye?" Oh, yeah, it was good-bye alright.

Enough of this confusion - I just needed another energy bar and a tall glass of City Bagel sweet tea.